Post Ordination Fallout

Before my ordination, my colleagues told me that it's a life-changing process, and one that often involves huge life changes, meltdowns, crises, breakups, etc. After the ordination, I felt great on an emotional and spiritual level. I felt clearer, more committed, freer, different and yet more myself than ever. I thought that was all that would happen for me.

Alas no. It's happening to me right now. Currently, I'm unexpectedly single and homeless without enough income to support myself independently. I'm calling on the Gods for help. I'm leaning on the support of my community. I'm submitting resumes left and right. I'm putting out the call - I need a part-time job and a place to live (housesitting, roommate, etc).

It's terrifying. Never before have I been in so precarious a situation. I've worked so hard to build my new career in the last four years. I've worked equally hard to get more education to support that career. I've also worked just as hard at healing myself and putting my tumultuous, tragic past to rest. I simply can't throw away all that work and quit all my self-employment activities. That's a sacrifice I'm not currently willing to make. 

Of course, when it comes right down to it, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get my life back on track. I must believe, though, that this can manifest in a way that allows me to keep practicing massage, teaching and priestessing. To keep building my professional network and reputation. To keep manifesting the life of my dreams:

I dream of having a home with a lot of land. I dream of creating an intentional community, educational and healing center. I dream of that community producing as much of what we need to sustain our lives as we can. I dream of living a sustainable life in stewardship of our land. I dream of us supporting and sheltering artists, musicians and writers. I dream of sharing my gifts with people who visit our center - teaching, doing healing work, taking people on trips, hosting retreats, holding ceremonies, honoring the spirits of place, creating a sacred sanctuary and mystery school. I dream of traveling around the country and around the world teaching and inspiring others to reach THEIR own potential and manifest THEIR own dreams. 

I dream of having a supportive, positive, respectful and fun community around me. I dream of having healthy relationships (platonic, familial and romantic) with mutual sharing, supporting, loving and growing. I dream of one day waking up to know that I am well and truly SAFE and HOME. To feel that I belong somewhere, to feel that I am doing my true work, to feel that what I do matters.

Truly, I have some of these things already. I have met many wonderful people who make my life a richer, more beautiful experience. All of my current work is my true work. 

But not everything is wine and roses for me, just like everyone else. Some awful things from my past are still a problem. My awesome career still isn't profitable yet. This last romantic relationship will take some time to process and recover from. I have no home.

In 2010, I sacrificed my material security on the altar of personal need and desire. I simply could not see the way out of a life that no longer fit me. I had spent several years trying to decide what I wanted, how to change, what to do…to no avail. I quit my corporate job, packed my truck full of backpacking gear and put the rest of my possessions in storage. I drove across the country, leaving my beloved Colorado behind. I returned to North Carolina, greeted friends and family, then embarked on a literal walkabout on the Appalachian Trail.

Two months later, my knees gave out. I returned to Raleigh to do some physical therapy. I did that, but I never did get back on the trail. I ended up staying here to go to school and re-launch my career as an entrepreneur. Along the way, massive amounts of unplanned but vitally necessary self-healing occurred. It's been messy, difficult, awesome and a wild adventure.

Right now, there's only a few things that I know for certain:

1. I have worked too hard to make this life change to give up on my dreams.
2. I will only expend my energy on people who treat me with courtesy and respect.
3. The Universe is supporting me in this change.
4. Every day, I take steps to get my life in order.

Blessings, positive energy, gifts of light, monetary donations and any other type of support appreciated. Posts will be minimal while I get through this transition. Your support and understanding mean the world to me!