Spirit

The Pagan Experience - WK 1- October 5: Spirit. Kicking off the Month of opening veils (Beltane and Samhain) and the mystery of the Divine….How do you define “Spirit” ?

Spirit is the fifth element, that which binds all together. Spirit is energy. Spirit is vibration. Spirit is sound. Spirit is consciousness. Spirit is what is left when we leave the physical body behind.

In my view, Spirit is mostly the same as the Divine. It is the universal energy, the life-force that forms all beings. We call this energy ki, chi, or prana - this is also Spirit. The Divine is part of this energy too, but I also see the individual deities as faces or archetypes coming out of the universal spirit.

I like to use the metaphor of the ocean. All the universe is an ocean of energy. We are droplets of water in that ocean. We are individual, yet connected. The Gods too, are a part of this. Just as the ocean can present a calm face, it can also rise up in waves or waterspouts to show its power. The ocean is mind-bogglingly large. It is mysterious and deep. We can't fully grasp it. No power in the world is greater than the ocean. It is eternal.

This is the  mystery of Spirit. Spirit is everything, but we cannot comprehend it with our minds. It is too big, too amorphous, too powerful. We can never fit Spirit into a box, but confronting it directly can burn us out like an overloaded circuit. Instead, we give it faces - our beloved Gods and Goddesses. We cloak it in symbolism. We write whole belief systems based on our encounters with it. Humanity must reduce Spirit in order to relate to it.

Spirit is the Great Mystery - limitless, infinite and eternal. Spirit is.

"The reason why the universe is eternal is that it does not live for itself; it gives life to others as it transforms."

-Lao Tzu

One Will

The Pagan Experience - Wk 2- June 8 – will/WILL –  What is your definition of will? What is your definition of WILL? How do you choose to express your will? What is your motivation in claiming your Will to action? How do you integrate the two for your magickal/spiritual work?


Mirriam-Webster defines will as - "desire, wish; used to express desire, choice, willingness, consent, or in negative constructions refusal".

For me, this dictionary definition covers "will", what I would term personal will. This is at the heart of our identity as human beings - we are mammals with individual agency. We have the ability to form individual desires and to carry them out through action, whether it be pre-meditated or spontaneous.

WILL I interpret as Divine Will, the will of the universal sea of consciousness, of the Gods. This is a difficult thing to understand, in my opinion. There are times when I get flashes of what the Divine might want or plan, but as a Pagan, there is no human manifestation of Divine Will or book for me to read. 

This topic is emotionally fraught for me, to be honest. I was born into a Catholic family. In that faith, there is the Pope, God's representative/avatar on Earth. He rules over a whole class of male priests who interpret and communicate God's will to the rest of humanity. They refer to the Bible as their guiding document. Our goal as humans is to live by God's rules as written down in the Bible, and to surrender our personal will to God. 

This has never set well with me. Certainly, it works well for many people. Hurray for them! Your life is simple under such a system - just follow the rules, listen to the priests and voila! A good life and eternal reward in Heaven after death.

After many years of study and seeking, my understanding of Divine Will and personal will is quite different and far more complex. First off, we are all divine, so our individual wills are fragments of the Divine Will. 

I do have relationships with several deities and I don't believe that they spend their time planning out every detail of my life. I do believe that they live through me, experience through me and enjoy embodiment through me, as they do through all material beings. But I don't know what they want; I don't think that our conception of desire or will fits them. In fact, what deities (or the Universe) will is the essence of mystery and the reason that mysticism and spirituality exist.

What then, is Divine Will? In my opinion, Divine Will is the Great Mystery. It is the great flow of the river of life. It is the voice within. That quiet, intermittent, persistent and loving voice that tells us to shine. It tells us to express our beautiful individuality. It tells us to create, to love, to heal, to grow, to explore. Divine Will is the energy of creation and attraction. It is love.

As for me, I express my will in living my life consciously. I strive to act in accordance with my beliefs. I aim to grow and develop myself as a human being to my fullest potential. My motivation in claiming my will to action is my belief that this is my job as a human being. To exist. To experience. To grow, learn, transform, and heal. To be a good citizen of my community, of the Earth, of the Universe.

Magically speaking, I use my will to make changes in my reality. My conscious mind has many desires. When I have one that merits magical and/or mundane action, I take time to think it over. Sometimes I consult the Tarot or the pendulum. In this way, I make sure that this fleeting desire is in accordance with my Higher Self and with Divine Will. I listen to my intuition. When the time feels right, I act.

Meanwhile, I have felt called to serve the Great Mystery through leadership. I've created an interfaith meetup group and a coven. I surely hope that these things are what the Divine wants. Honestly, I have no idea. I'm going on faith that helping others find their way is a good plan.

The clearer my vision becomes, the more that I come to understand myself and my place in the Universe, the more that I am able to contact that inner voice. The more that my personal will merges with Divine Will. 

But I'm not rushing to ultimate union. I believe that we each must play out the number of our days, enjoying them and learning from them to the fullest, without hurrying to our next destination. Full union with the Divine will come in its own time, when it is my time to leave this body behind. 

Paddling in the Sea of Consciousness

The Pagan Experience - Wk 3- Apr. 20 – Deity and the Divine - When we speak of Deity and the Divine there are many ways to perceive their energy. Do you identify Deity as archetypal energy, part of a larger Limitless Source, purely anthropomorphic or a synthesis of much more?

In the slap of waves rocking the hull of my boat, I feel it.

In the swirl of water curling around my paddle blade, I see it.

In the soughing of the tall pines, I hear it.

In the fecund pungency of the swamp, I smell it.

In the soaking spring rain that trickles into my mouth, I taste it.

In the muscular flight of a bald eagle and the vigilant watch of its mate perched in a tall pine, it flashes.

Consciousness. Divinity. The life force shining from a million million eyes, beating in every infinite heart, its flowing breath filling a million million lungs, on and on, endlessly, cycling through uncounted lives and incarnations. This is the energy of creation, of life forever striving to survive and thrive, to express itself in innumerable bodies, forces, elements, continents, planets, star systems, galaxies.

Ancient turtles abide, sunning themselves on a fallen tree in the lake

While the camouflaged heron hunts, patiently awaiting a meal

I float closer and closer in stillness and silence, excitement barely contained

Watching in awe this scene that could have taken place in any century, in any epoch or age

This dance of life and death and rebirth, this symphony of Divine expression playing itself out on Earth

This intricately interwoven, jewel studded web of energy, of life

This biotic community to which I belong, my thread too in the web, woven true by the Fates, and by my own hand, by my own mind, by my own consciousness.

But all of us on the waters feel the energies shift

Ozone fills the air, and the clouds build, their ominous gray wall crowding out the sun, covering the immaculate blue sky, twilight come early by the gathering storm

In unspoken agreement, we paddle faster, blades flashing in the gray green waters

A breeze blows the lake waters into riffles that vibrate our hulls, rising and falling on swelling waves

We fly past the fallen tree, animals nowhere to be seen, hearts squeezed by wary tension

This is the energy of destruction, the storm that cleanses the waters and the lands, the flood that fertilizes the fields, the fire that rejuvenates the forest, the ending that is a beginning, the merciful death that ends suffering, the willing death that feeds new life, its terrible beauty too a part of the dance, a vital part of the balance, the shadow that defines the light.

This is the Divine - its endless and limitless consciousness in every face, its energy shaping every landscape, directing every flowing river, every blowing breeze, its timeless force that goes on and on, all things manifesting in its limitless stream of possibility. It is the love that binds us, it is the strength that carries us, it is life, it is us. 

Aho! Blessed be!

Copyright April 19, 2015 Tanaria Lightbearer. All rights reserved. Do not copy, excerpt or print. Re-posting with attribution and link to original post welcome.

Divine Relationship

The Pagan Experience - Wk 3 – Mar. 16 – Deity and the Divine - What is your relationship with the Divine? Is it devotional? Collaborative? An agreement of reciprocity? How does this engagement flow into your mundane relationships? Or does it?

The last five years, I have immersed myself deeply in spiritual community. As a result, I have learned the most interesting and unexpected things. More and more, I am forming a picture of my life that is utterly foreign to my experience of it.

From the inside, my life has felt rocky. I am a survivor of many traumatic experiences. So many things were taken from me, things that are impossible to get back or to forget. Through it all, I have been driven to heal, learn and achieve.

I have felt intensely alone for most of my life. From my strange biological family to my rollercoaster of a love life, my many acquaintances to my intellectual isolation…I have felt alone. For all my spiritual yearning, seeking and practice, I have still felt alone. 

During these five years, especially in preparation for my formal vows of priestesshood, I have looked back at all of the insane risks that I have taken…and I can’t help but see a pattern. I have been forced to admit that I have a strong protector or two looking out for me. 

How else could I have survived years of reckless partying? Yes, I was a wild child. Many are the sunrises I saw because I had yet to go to sleep. I’ve experimented with many dangerous substances and have come out unscathed. I have a sparkling clean record, good health and all of my mental faculties. Few could say the same.

How else could I have survived my many outdoor adventures? I have deliberately put myself in harm’s way countless times. I’ve never had a death wish, but I have experienced years of numbness and isolation. Pushing myself to the limit (and occasionally beyond) has been very therapeutic. Yet I’ve never sustained a serious injury or experienced any serious consequences for all my hijinks.

How else could I have made it in general? How did I survive years of emotional abuse, rape, molestation, genteel poverty, family tragedy and general chaos…if not for the Gods? To have come through so many challenges as a whole, self-aware, educated and positive human being…viewed in this light, it seems impossible, miraculous.

As a scientific mystic, a dreamer with a pragmatic mind…I am reminded of Occam’s Razor: when one eliminates the impossible, what remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth. For me, I can only conclude that my life has been a series of miracles arranged by some type of intelligence for the purpose of forming me into a major force for good in this world.

Yet it hasn’t seemed that way on the inside. No, on the inside, I wasn’t really and truly aware of how different my life has been. I was simply living it. Most of the time, I have been in survival mode – not looking too far ahead, just treading water. Tap dancing from one crisis to another.

Every month, I talk about my path with others and I see new ways in which my life has been different. With every blog post I write, I am forced to confront more of the truth. I’m not a normal person.

I have written this post three times. Each time, I get to the critical point and freeze. Each time, I delete the hard parts, the scary parts, the bits of my path that make me worry about how others will view them.

The real truth is this: I’m a Guru in training, in the Yogic sense of the term. I’m a High Priestess, in all senses of the word. I don’t have a relationship with the Gods so much as I have a life they have been kind enough to allow me to think is mine.

Even writing this here on my laptop, disconnected from the Internet…this is a hard thing for me. The experiences that have made me who I am today were tragic, heartbreaking, soul-shattering and ego deflating. I didn’t suffer from low self-esteem. No, I had to learn what self-esteem was and then painstakingly cultivate it.

Other survivors of abuse will know what I mean when I say that even today, I overthink 99% of my actions. I consider the rightness of a given action through the lens of personal ideals and what is acceptable in society. But then I take that extra step – is the person in front of me right? Am I wrong? Am I crazy? Is this person crazy?

Coming from that background, no wonder it is hard to write about myself and my relationship with the Divine. But here we are. I have lived an intensely magical and spiritual life. I have been guided and protected at every turn. I am a channel of the Divine, especially in the practice of healing. I have made love with more than one Deity, and in fact, good sex for me…the best sex, is when the Goddess takes over. The Goddess has worked through me in ritual. Others have even described me as an avatar. I wouldn't presume to describe myself this way, especially not when I still have a mundane life. I'm not immersed in Divine bliss 24/7/365! 

So when you ask me what my relationship with Deity is…I must honestly say that it's a close one. Perhaps even a lack of boundaries type of closeness…it's like looking at your own nose. It's too close to see. 

Sometimes I think I went about this business of spiritual enlightenment backwards. Students of Yoga know that the first step to enlightenment, which is just a fancy way of saying "union with the Divine", is breaking down the ego. I have spent my life not in loosening the moorings of the ego, but in finding my individuality. Finding my separate-ness. Finding who *I* am outside of what has happened to me.

Certainly this relationship with the Divine flows into my mundane relationships. I try to support and help those around me. I love everybody, sometimes embarrassingly so. Friends, lovers, family and clients are no doubt annoyed at times when I can't refrain from giving advice or helpful tips, when I wander off into the woods, when I've been meditating FOREVER or when I just can't resist adding kale to every dish. Go easy on me, gang. Sometimes I need those around me to bring me back to the light of the here-and-now.

As Above, So Below

Mar. 9 - Week 2 - As Above, So Below – What do you seek from the Divine? How is that reflected in the mundane? Where do you find your place of synthesis?

As Above, So Below…this is a phrase uttered by many a magical practitioner. What does it really mean? This is a classic case of science catching up to spiritual knowledge. I love the fact that we live in an age when we are proving that the sages, witches, rishis, alchemists and medicine people are speaking literally about the nature of reality.

The maxim as phrased here comes from Hermetic mysticism. From wikipedia: "translated by Dennis W. Hauck from The Emerald Tablet of Hermes Trismegistus, is: "That which is Below corresponds to that which is Above, and that which is Above corresponds to that which is Below, to accomplish the miracle of the One Thing."[28] Thus, whatever happens on any level of reality (physical, emotional, or mental) also happens on every other level."

All at once, we are saying that there is more than one level of reality AND that the realities are causally linked.

Another way to talk about this is the macrocosm and the microcosm of our holographic universe. The whole of existence is a 3-D projection, so to speak. It has solidity and reality to those within it, yet it is made of space and energy. And just like a hologram, the whole of existence is within the smallest unit of life.

"To see a World in a Grain of Sand And a Heaven in a Wild Flower, Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand And Eternity in an hour."

-William Blake

The other major way of talking about this concept is in terms of the Divine. That being the case, we can imagine that we are extensions of the Divine’s senses. We are Her eyes, ears, and body. She sees through us and feels our experiences. Sometimes the Gods work through us, accomplishing their unfathomable goals on Earth. But we too have the power of creation. We have agency, the ability to choose our reality.

As a grain of sand in an extremely large, possibly infinite co-creative and ever-expanding Universe, my job is to experience things and to make choices. Endlessly, every day of our lives, we choose and act. All of our thoughts, words, postures and deeds, they shape our reality. These acts of will are real, just as the wind and the rain are real and create effects in the world.

As above, so below. We envision our desires in sacred space, working in the hallways of always, so to speak. Our waking reality shifts and changes in response. What is above, in the Dreamtime/spirit realm/super-reality/altered state…(call it what you will) becomes what is below, in our mundane consensual reality. The Universe, enlivened by the Divine, creates and modifies endlessly. And so do we.

I was asked during Yoga teacher training to formulate a personal mission statement - an expression of my dharma, or purpose, here on Earth. Though it took me some moments to formulate the words, I knew. I have been lucky enough to know my purpose for most of my life.

”With excellence and honor, I inspire, protect, teach and heal those in need.”

There is my synthesis. This is how I embody the Divine in my mundane life. I study and explore, ever seeking and experiencing life as fully as I can manage. I use my learnings to help others along the way.

I am deeply grateful for this life, given to me by the Divine. I give them full honor in my hall. Raise the horn high. Drink the sacred mead and be merry that the Gods may do so as well. Hail to the Gods! Blessed be and Namaste!

A Rocky Road to Illumination

Wk 3- Jan. 19- Deity and the Divine- This will be the third week’s topic every month and an opportunity for you to share with everyone those who guide, inspire and inform you.


My relationship with the Divine has been rocky. When I was young, I remember feeling so painfully alone that I was sure there was nothing out there. The concept of God taught to me as a child in a Catholic family made absolutely no sense to me. It made me angry, to be blunt. The whole "you're a sinner from birth" thing - not a hit with me. Nor was the whole "you're less than a man because you're a woman" thing. And He's watching me from the sky, judging and directing my every move? No thanks. Plus, the history of the church disturbed me - conversion by the sword, corruption, torture, burning witches, hoarding wealth, controlling people with fear…not for me, on so many levels.

I began to search for a different way, for different gods. The Greek pantheon was first, by way of grade school mythology. They were, at once, deeply familiar to me. I didn't like all of them, and at the time, I certainly had no conscious thought of a relationship with any of them. 

Soon after, I learned about Buddha. Here was someone I could relate to and respect. Here was a yogi - a meditation teacher! He wasn't really a god, according to him. But he knew a lot, wasn't into judging, and wanted to reduce suffering in the world. The philosophy of Buddhism did much to shape my thinking, but the religion and dogma of it left me cold, once again. 

Yoga has been a recurring theme and practice in my life. Now, most Yoga classes here in the US do not mention religion at all. Most yoga teachers are afraid to discuss the spiritual aspects of Yoga, especially in my region of the country. Occasionally, you will find a chant mentioning a god's name, like Ganesh or Brahma. This is generally not explained in detail. On my own, I learned about some of the many deities from Hinduism. I rather like Ganesh. He's a jolly sort! I'm also fond of Saraswati, Krishna (a flute player, go figure) and Kali. They aren't my peeps, nor is Hinduism for me. But I like it. Their ceremonies are lavish, beautiful, chaotic and peaceful - like life.

Eventually I found my way to Paganism. Reading about the Goddess as earth mother…it finally made sense. A deity OF this earth, who encourages stewardship of the Earth, who truly loves and provides for all…this I could deal with. And her consort, the Horned Lord…now I knew what face I sometimes saw in the woods. I recognized that primal urge to create and to live. The balance between Goddess and God felt right to me. I felt at home, and gained insight into many experiences of my life.

But still, I wasn't set afire by the Divine. I still felt alone. I still felt rebellious. No force on this Earth, no person, no god, no one, gets to tell me who to be or what to do! Authoritarian structures, no matter what flavor, just don't work for me. Lucky thing that as a pagan, I don't have to do anything. 

These days, I have a healthy relationship with the Divine as the universal force of attraction and creation, which manifests in the archetypal forms of gods and goddesses for us human beings to relate to, yet which is not confined by those forms. The Divine is mysterious and unknowable, and is also us. It is the life force and energy that constitutes all particles of matter in our Universe. The very Earth we walk upon is not just sacred because it is our home, but because it is alive with divine energy. 

Each step I take is a prayer. I relate to the gods of my personal pantheon with respect, but not a mindless obeisance. They have won me over at last with love, an easy affection, help and support. They inspire me and guide me without smothering me. They accept me with all of my contradictions. They are allies more than they are authorities.

A keystone of my mindset and outlook, though, is science. I don't believe anything 110%, nor do I follow anything or anyone with blind fervor. I am always open to learning, growing and evolving myself and my beliefs in the face of new evidence, new experiences and new insights. I like the archetypes and faith that I've chosen. It works for me, and makes me feel happy and fulfilled. But is it the absolute truth of reality? Yes and no. Is it the only truth in the world? No. Am I right and others are wrong? Absolutely not. 

Instead, I see the universe more like quantum physics is discovering it to be, which many ancient cultures knew long ago. This universe is a hologram. Physical, consensual reality is real, but it's also a show of smoke and mirrors. It is Maya, the world of illusion, as they say in India. I don't, however, see this as something to be looked down upon or transcended. We are put here to have experiences and to learn. To use the power of our will to co-create reality. Each one of us has immense power. Each one of us is divine. Each one of us is a unique and individual being, but also a drop in the ocean of universal energy. We are one!

Namaste - the divine light within me recognizes and honors the divine light within you. Blessed be!

Faith, Trust & Letting Go

I hear a lot more Christians talk about faith than I do Pagans*. Maybe that's because we have no intermediaries between us and the Divine**. One doesn't need to have faith in something one has experienced.

But it seems to me today that what we do need to have is trust. We must trust that the Goddess and God will help us, hear us, love us.

When we send an intention out into the ether, whether it be through a moment of prayer, a full ritual or through spellcraft, the last step is release. Letting go.

That's the mechanism of magic - we create an intent, focus, raise energy and then...release. Let go and trust that the Divine will handle your request. Goddess and God will figure out the details.

When we have trust and practice letting go, all we have to do is put one foot in front of the other. Just keep walking. They have our back!



*Anecdotal, your mileage may vary.
**By this I mean no central authority, no one book, no formal structure that inhibits personal experience and wisdom.

Divine Energy, Love and other Thoughts

What is the Divine? Who has a lock on spiritual truth? Is there a design inherent in our universe? Questions like these swirl through our consciousness and seem to be a big point of division these days. Which is ironic, if you think about it. The spark of divinity is something that all human beings share. I'd like to believe that we can all agree on this point, at the very least. On optimistic days, I believe we can agree. More cynical days, I make an internal sad face and keep dancing.

I believe that all the life forms on this Earth (and possibly the rest of the universe too, but I don't know them yet) are connected by energy. The life force within us all (call it qi, ki, prana, spirit, etc.) connects us and collectively  forms the Divine (macrocosm). Human beings are one drop in this ocean of beings, and as such are a microcosm. A microcosm contains the blueprint of the macrocosm within it, and is a powerful thing - containing both the power of the individual and the collective. Each of us is Divine and powerful, yet part of something larger than ourselves...god is us and we are god, get it? So there is no deity that is separate from us, no centralized intelligence that is judging us every day.

But we as humans create person-like thought-forms for the Divine to make it easier to relate to, and that's ok. All of us see them differently and they are all valid. Here, let me say that again: your God and my Gods are one and the same, yet individual and real for YOU and ME and that guy over there and all the gals around the world. 

It is also true that the Gods exist in their own right. Sure, it's a paradox. Get used to it. Life is full of paradoxes.

Also, this Divine energy is a force of creation and connection. It's love in it's purest form. Love, which maybe we should redefine as emotional gravity. Gravity draws objects toward the center of the earth; love draws objects together. Divinity has been heralded as a source of inspiration for poets, artists, sages and philosophers through the ages. I think it is also a powerful mirror. We become fully present in the world when we know ourselves, and the mysterious force of Divine love can draw us in to our center. 

I also believe that belief is a scary and powerful thing. So I believe things, but not 110%. Maybe 98% or so. I could be wrong about all of this. Or more likely, as a human being, I will simply never understand the true nature of reality and of the Divine. 

And therein lies the rub, no? None of us really know. Not in a factual way. I feel my truth in the center of my being, like a sort of glow and it makes me feel like humming. But is it a fact that the Earth is a sentient ball of interconnected beings and that various Gods and Goddesses run around helping and hindering humanity? Maybe not. But then again, maybe it is...