To Know...

The Pagan Experience - To Know – To Will – To Dare and To Be Silent - These Four together are known as The Four Powers of the Sphinx and the Witch’s Pyramid. But, they are not limited to a specific spiritual path and show up in varying forms and combinations within all spiritual truths. So, holding the intention of exploring more deeply what these concepts mean to you, this month our focus is: To Be Silent. Use this month’s writing to dig a little deeper into what this topic means to you, both at the levels of the mundane and the spiritual…….

The common view of the witches pyramid puts 'To Be Silent' in association with the element of Earth. In my tradition and personal viewpoint, Earth is about embodiment - 'To Know'.

One of the benefits of aging for me is clarity. As I get older, I am beginning to see my life more clearly - what it has really been about and what it all means. It's been quite a journey so far, with many twists and turns, ups and downs, periods of beauty and heartbreak.

I'm on the brink of entering my 40th year. Four decades of adventure on this Earthwalk, and things are indeed becoming clear to me. I began my life on a homestead in upstate NY. We raised a good bit of our own food, hunted for more, and bought the rest from local farmers or an organic co-op. As a family, we spent a lot of time outdoors, hiking, camping, foraging for wild edibles and medicinals, and working in our garden. 

As I grew up, outdoor adventures continued in NC and NY. I became a competent paddler, sailor, and navigator with map and compass. I hiked uncountable miles, and taught myself backpacking. I cut my teeth on mountains (and caught mountain fever), forests, rivers, and the ocean. This part of my life was all about school, growing up, and survival.

Then I moved west to CO, and the adventures continued. Now I had a chance to learn about high altitude and alpine terrain - a habitat which felt deeply familiar and right to me. I got into rock climbing, mountaineering, mountain biking, and whitewater kayaking. A lot of my energy during this time was spent on various martial arts. I was training heavily in empty hand styles, as well as Renaissance fencing and archery. This part of my life was about study and becoming a functional human being.

Somewhere during my time in CO, I got lost. I was working at a corporate job, and it was a great one. I learned a lot and made a lot of friends. I attended college for a while during this time. But I longed to live in the mountains, and to do my true work in the world. For several years, I thought and thought, but I couldn't figure out how to get from where I was to where I wanted to go.

I hit a real crisis point, and I decided to make a bold move: to go on walkabout. I planned an expedition to hike the entire Appalachian Trail. I figured that this quiet time in nature would help me think things through, and I would figure out "what to do with my life".

That decision was the turning point in my life so far. While I only hiked half of the AT, the journey was far from over. I spent the next five years studying, building credentials in Yoga, spiritual leadership, and environmental education. I continued to have outdoor adventures, most notably flatwater paddling, which was fairly new to me. This part of my life, as it turns out, was about leadership and community building.

This year, as many of you know, I made another bold move: I retired from massage therapy and became a full-time travelling educator. It was terrifying to contemplate, but it turned out to be *exactly* what I needed on all levels of my being. It's been a tough year in many ways, but also an amazing and transformative one.

All of which I tell you so that I can share what I've learned, and what I know right now.

Here it is: 

• Magic works. What you call it doesn't matter: just use your will to shape your reality.
• The Universe WILL support you.
• You get a lot more support when you do what you really love.
• Most things will happen at the last minute, like that job offer you need, or the money to pay an emergency bill, etc.
• The best stuff lies hidden behind a wall of fear.
• Nature is the best medicine.
• One must walk the walk in addition to talking the talk.
• Be vulnerable and ask for help.
• People are what give life meaning.
• I am an introvert. Introverts can be very social, but need alone time to recharge.
• It's ok for your life to be messy.
• All of our seemingly unconnected skills, no matter how obsolete or odd, can come in handy.
• Always be grateful. Gratitude is the gateway to abundance.
• Everything good comes through networking, so cultivate your relationships carefully. 
• It's necessary to take the next step without knowing where your foot will land.

There have been many, many articles written about manifestation aka magic, and the power to transform one's life. This one is mine. Do it, it works. Things have a wiggly, unpredictable, and indirect way of manifesting at times, but they happen. Take the risk, be willing to be vulnerable, and you will be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.

The process of magic starts with Air - we get inspired and dare to dream a different reality. Then we move to Fire, where we use our will to begin manifesting our desire. We take a break, so to speak, with Water, where we reflect and allow the whole working to "cook". With Earth, we walk the walk. In our physical space, we act as if our desire is already manifest. We tune our vibration to the vibration we seek to attract. We become that which we seek. Thus, the knowledge of what we seek begins to grow within us.

What I know is that information becomes knowledge. Knowledge with practice and reflection becomes embodied, and this becomes wisdom. That means that it infuses all levels of our being - body, mind, and spirit. This is the lesson of Earth for me, at this time in my life. The Earth will support my growth and learning. It will shelter me, love me, and inspire me. I can manifest my dreams on this Earth. All I have to do is practice, to walk the path, and to be that which I seek. This is what I know.

What I know, deeply and to the core of my being, is that this is the way for me. To envision new adventures, to manifest them through my will, to leap into the unknown. To face my fears and achieve more than I ever dreamed. To continue to learn, grow, and evolve. To trust that Goddess/God/Great Mystery, ancestors, animal totems, and spirit allies have my back. This is my way. This is what I know.

My life has come full circle. My love of nature has been a strong thread throughout my life, and now, it's how I make my living. I also get to use all of my varied, wacky, and in some cases, obsolete skills. I am blessed with a beautiful group of friends, some of whom are my chosen family. I work with many positive, inspiring, and talented human beings. I'm finding more and more of my tribe all the time. It's a beautiful, terrifying, magical, and crazy journey. It's messy at times. I do the best I can, and most importantly, I keep walking...one step at a time. May you do the same.

Hail Earth, our bountiful and loving home! Hail the inner knowing of true embodiment that is our strength! Namaste. Blessed be. Naho!

To Dare...

The Pagan Experience - What is it that you “Dare” to be? Does risk factor into daring? Is “Dare” a noun, or a verb? Use this month’s writing to dig a little deeper into what this topic means to you, both at the levels of the mundane and the spiritual…….

My life went off the rails this spring. Just after Imbolc, I decided to leave my partner of several years. This entailed a lot of huge changes - a move, different job requirements, and impact to my coven. This precipitated months of transition in which I found a new home and a new job.

This is why I haven't written anything for The Pagan Experience so far this year, until now. This topic is perfect for a return to the project.  I was terrified to leave, but I was more afraid to stay. I knew, within the core of my being, that I wasn't living up to my fullest potential. 

One day, I snapped. I began to pack, and when I had a few days of supplies together, I left. I had no plan and nowhere to go. All I knew is that I could not stay in that home for a single moment more.

This is how transformation occurs - when our dissatisfaction with the known becomes stronger than our fear of the unknown...in that moment, change is possible. 

For me, this journey has been very rich. I reached out to friends and family, who kindly assisted me. People opened their homes and their hearts to support me during this difficult time, which I deeply appreciate. People lent shoulders to cry on and listening ears. Learning to ask for and accept help with grace is a big lesson for me. 

In these three months, my life has utterly transformed. I have reclaimed myself, my body, my daily routine, my friends, and my interests. I am rebuilding my world, and it is a beautiful one. 

But essentially, connecting with the power of Air, the ability to dare to create change, is what has made this journey possible. I had to look within and remember my own power. I am a witch. I am a shaman. My job is to bend and shape reality to my will, in service to All That Is. How then, could I justify languishing in an abusive relationship? I could not. 

I had to dare to leave. I had to dare to leap into the unknown. I had to dare to take the first step, and to continue putting one foot in front of the other, even though I didn't know what was coming next, or even where I was going. I had to dare to call upon my community for help. I had to dare to sit with my emotions as they went through the whole gamut of trauma, shock, loss, anger, frustration, rage, sadness, melancholy, and acceptance. I had to dare to reclaim my dreams. I had to dare to work magic to bring those dreams into being. 

Daring is a multi-layered endeavor. In order to dare, we have to believe that change is possible. We have to realize that we have the power to create change. We have to know that we deserve something different, something better. We have to give ourselves permission to wield that power. We have to be willing to risk failure, to risk defeat, to risk uncertainty, to risk vulnerability. We must dare to trust our own power, and the support of our communities, our families, the Divine, and the forces of Nature herself. 

Daring is, in short, the essence of being a magical practitioner. It is the beginning of our journey through the elements to work magic. In my view, the winds blow over us and fill us with inspiration. We are then inspired to dare to use our power in our highest good, and the highest good of all beings. 

All hail Air, sacred breath of the Gods, inspirer! All hail the winds of change that fill us with daring!

I AM

The Pagan Experience - WK 1- November 2: What do you define as your “place in the world”? How does that inform your spiritual pursuits?

I have always been a wanderer, a gypsy, a seeker. Seeking truth, seeking meaning, seeking myself and seeking a place in the world...these things are a huge part of my spiritual path. I've written a bit about my tumultuous early life, but today, suffice it to say that one of the hardest parts of it was feeling as if I belonged anywhere. I was treated as a second class citizen, as "less than", as "other". My parents divorced, I moved to a different state, and later tragically lost our family homestead. So a home, or a place where I belong, hasn't existed for me for a long time. How long?

I wrote this poem sometime during middle school, so age 10-12:

Mirage

An unused road
beckons
offering shade and sweet water 
almost
like a dream
seen from the dry and dusty reality
visions of a home
unattainable 

As an adult, I have created homes for myself. Many of them. My friends in Colorado used to tease me about being a localized gypsy. Out there, I moved nearly every year. There was no practical reason why this had to be the case. I was reasonably well employed, and apartments were fairly plentiful at that time. I just...couldn't settle down. Couldn't commit. I was heavily in search mode at that time.

Along with finding a literal place where I belong, I have tried on many faces and many personas. Who am I? Earlier in my life, that answer would be different from day to day. Case in point: at one time, I had a gigantic hat collection. Have you ever considered how easy it is to change your identity through hats? It's a thing, trust me. Clothing is hugely symbolic in human culture, and hats are an integral part of that. 

Searching for identity, I have tried many a pastime, many a sport, many a hobby. I'm still not truly into middle age, and already, I have been so many things: a dancer, artist, photographer, buddhist, witch, pagan, philosopher, writer, poet, clogger, flautist, drummer, healer, belly dancer, SCAdian (that's a medieval re-creationist), fencer, archer, martial artist, teacher, hiker, businesswoman, artisan, backpacker, kayaker, climber, mountain biker, knitter, gardener, visionary, priestess and more.

Now, I can say that I have claimed my place in the world. I know who I am. I accept and honor where I have been. I'm headed in a good direction. I know that I will continue to grow, change and evolve. I will continue to explore and try new things. I will always learn. I will continue to heal. 

I am still sometimes surprised to learn that my place in the world is one of leadership. Then I remind myself that I am worthy, that I have something worthwhile to say, and that what I do matters to people.

The reasons that I had for this intensive learning and exploration were really quite simple. I had to find a way to survive and to cope with my lot in life. I attribute my fanatical drive to my history of survivorship and abuse. Helping others is my way of striking back at my abusers. I'm not interested in revenge; instead, I don't want anyone else to have to endure what I did. That's a pretty beautiful thing, in my book. Out of such deep pain, I have learned so many useful things. I have attained a pretty good level of personal peace. 

These days, people meet me and say things like "are you *always* this calm" or "how are you this peaceful all the time". That makes me think I must be doing it right. 

I am a priestess. I am a healer. I am a musician. I am an artist. I am one who walks between the worlds. Look for me in the liminal spaces. On a random Tuesday morning, you may see me in the woods. On a beautiful fall day, you may see me high on the mountain. In the summertime, you'll find me on the river, quietly paddling my boat. There is my place. This whole beautiful Earth is my home, and I can be anything I want to be. And so can you!

More Favorite Books

Writing about books that influenced me was so much fun that I have more to say about the topic. Here is Part II of my favorite books. These are books that influenced my spirituality, my philosophy and my basic worldview.

Okakuro, Kakuzo: The Book of Tea
This is a pocket-sized book about tea and its importance in Japanese culture. I do like tea, but the important thing I gained from this books is the concept of shibumi. Shibumi is hard to translate into English, but basically it's a pure simplicity...the essence that is left when you pare away all that is superfluous and unnecessary. It's a guiding star of my mental processes and design ethos.

Melody: Love Is In the Earth 
This is the encyclopedia of crystals, gemstones and minerals. It contains practical information about them like physical characteristics and where they are found in addition to the metaphysical information. I like how she includes numerology and astrology as well. My go-to guide for working with the stone beings.

Chopra, Deepak: The Path to Love: Spiritual Strategies for Healing
I like Deepak Chopra's work because the spiritual teachings of Yoga are sometimes difficult to transmit in writing. The books written by many of the old masters from India tend to be a bit scrambled and hard to follow. Deepak does a great job with conveying Vedic philosophy to an international audience. This book is a great resource for healing one's own heart and participating in healthy relationships of all kinds, not just romantic ones.

Kerouac, Jack: Dharma Bums
Mountain climbing, freedom, non-conformism and the importance of self-discovery in nature...this book was right up my alley. It's hard for me to say that his books are teaching tools per se, but still...they mean something to me, especially this one.

Farb, Peter: The Face of North America
This is a classic of natural history. It gave me a much richer and more complex understanding of how North America was formed and why the land looks the way it does. This is a must-read for anyone who wants to deeply connect with nature in this part of the world. Farb does a pretty good job of being easy to understand while not sacrificing the integrity of the information.

Plato: The Republic
So, I ought to mention in one of these book posts that I majored in philosophy in college. Whether or not one is interested in the finer points of logic, understanding philosophy helps us to understand the evolution of thought. It was a big help to me in understanding the world of today and my place in it. The Republic is a must-read in the philosophy genre; it is a classic work that endures through the centuries.

Diamond, Jared: Guns, Germs and Steel AND The World Until Yesterday
In my humble opinion, Mr. Diamond is the Darwin of our time. Both of these books were epiphanies for me. Want to get past the mindless brainwashing of pop culture? Read these books and understand how societies evolved, how geography has influenced technology and the spread of culture and how modern culture is so very, very alienated from nature. Just go read them.

My Teachers

Wk 2- September 14: A Special Teacher. Who has most inspired you in your craft? This may be an individual you have trained with or someone who you know only from the efforts and great works they have modeled. Tell us a bit about who this is and how they have made a mark in your own pursuit.

As we walk our path in life, the teachers we need appear when we need them. For some, a teacher stays for a lifetime, or for a long time. Sometimes, a teacher is with us for just one issue, one day, or one moment.

Other times, a teacher is not someone great; in fact, they might be terribly flawed. They may not appear to be teachers at all. These people teach us about what not to do, how not to be. They often mirror our darkest traits. I've had a few of these; out of respect for their privacy, I will not list them here.

As for me, I can’t say that any one teacher has inspired my craft the most. It would be convenient, but I don’t walk that sort of path. In some ways, I feel like my path is more akin to that of an oyster. The oyster is fed by the endless flowing of the waves, nutrients coming from points across the ocean, all integrated into its being. Day by day, year by year, the oyster slowly accretes more shell, millimeter by millimeter growing larger. Inside, hidden from view, a pearl grows the same way around a single grain of sand.

So instead, I’ll talk about a few of my teachers. I feel very blessed to have been given so much by so many gifted people. People of all nations, people with different skill sets; like me, my teachers are a diverse and eccentric group. I’ll try to keep this list to the spiritual teachers, but it’s all of a piece.

The Medicine Man at the Retreat Center

I don’t remember this man’s name, nor do I remember the name of the retreat center somewhere in the NC mountains. I think it *might* be Isis Cove, but it may have had a different name back then. At any rate, this man did a healing on me that changed my life. I had a transformative night of visions in a teepee by the river after he healed me. It was a turning point, and I am grateful to him.

The Dalai Llama

I’ve never met him in person, but I have read his writings and followed him through interviews. What I love most about the Dalai Llama is his acknowledgement and support of all spiritual paths. He is a teacher not stuck on dogma, but rather focused on the connection between all human beings. I have a great deal of respect for this teacher, and he certainly has influenced me.

Chong Bhakti

This woman is a hoot and a half. She’s a tiny Korean dynamo of many skills – massage therapist, acupuncturist, shaman, excellent healthy cook and more titles can she claim. Chong taught me to express my emotions and let them go. She shared a Korean folk teaching – don’t reuse your tissues; they hold your sadness. Maybe the most important thing she ever told me was not to marry her son. I was in love with his potential, not his actuality. I make her sleep tea blend to this day.

Randal the Malcontent

My mentor, my sensei, my guitar and singing teacher. He taught me so many things that I couldn’t begin to list them all. With him, I achieved things that I never dreamed. His teachings were instrumental in my growth, and though not spiritually focused, they helped me to heal as a human being, which is the same thing. I carry an on for him that will never be repaid.

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

I bought an Apple computer many moons ago, and on it is the dashboard, which is a screen of little apps you can choose. I found Sri Sri's app and downloaded it. At the time, I'd never heard of him. The app is simple; it has a photo of him, and each time you view it, you get a different quote. This is a humble, high tech way of finding a guru, but these teachings have supported me for a decade now. I hope to meet him one day in India. I love the joy that shines out of his heart! You can see it in his eyes...and I bet he gives a dynamite hug.

Saunook

A mighty, hearty Cherokee soul…Saunook is a teacher who teaches by existing. He counseled me during a difficult time in my life. One thing he said sticks out – “Get up early in the morning and talk to the spirits. More importantly, LISTEN to the spirits.”

Autumn Pulstar

Autumn is the High Priestess of the first real coven I ever joined. I learned so much from her during my time in the coven, and I continue to learn from her today. She has a beautiful way of leading a group without ego that allows everyone to shine. She is so generous with her time and expertise. She’s a mentor to so many people in our region – a true elder.

Gauri Johnson

Gauri was one of the facilitators of my Yoga teacher training program. She was the teacher that opened my eyes to the possibility of fun and laughter in Yoga. She really helped me in finding my own voice as a Yoga teacher. She gave me permission to make the practice my own.

Sangoma Oludoye

Sangoma is a priestess in the African village of Oyotunji. Not only is she a faith leader in this important work of cultural regeneration, Sangoma gives of her time and her teachings around the southeast region of the US. Her guidance in ancestor work has enriched my practice. Her example has inspired me to fully empower myself, without looking for outside validation.

To all of my teachers, whether you are listed here or not, I thank you. To my peers, who teach me all the time, I thank you. To my students, who teach me as I teach you, I thank you. To the teachers of my future, I thank you. To the Gods, who send me the help that I need, I thank you.

My Favorite Books

The Pagan Experience - WK 1- September 7: Books! Tell us about a favorite book. We come across many literary adventures as students of a spiritual path. Some become familiar companions; others reference sources. Some may have been what propelled you on your current spiritual journey, or took you in a completely different direction than what you had imagined. And, then there are those that speak to every level of your soul. What’s on your shelf?


Ah, books - gateways to the world, portals of infinite possibility, kettlebells for the imagination, dear friends. Books have played such a huge role in my life, my thinking and the formation of who I am today.

One of the things I'm enjoying about teaching spirituality is recommending my favorite books. Here are a few of the books that have shaped my worldview, with comments about what I've learned from each and in no particular order:

Hesse, Herman: Siddhartha

The story of Buddha. Need I say more? This idea of enlightenment through personal experience,
detachment from the world of the senses and rejection of the illusion of worldly life, it is a powerful thing. As a person who grew up practicing Yoga, it was instrument to my development.

Menen, Aubrey: The Space Within the Heart

Though the author never practices a pose, this is truly what Yoga is all about. The examination of the self to peel back the layers of self-deception and cultural conditioning...this is liberation. This is enlightenment. It goes along with Siddhartha; it's basically the same journey, but as told through the experience of a modern layperson.

Thoreau, Henry David: Walden

Living simply in close relationship with the land, and again, examining oneself outside of the dominant culture...this is the way to clarity. Plus his prose is beautiful.

Robbins, Tom: Jitterbug Perfume 

Pan, beets, living a juicy and magical life...this book is a touchstone of my childhood. I read it quite young, pre-puberty. Then I lost track of it for years. Couldn't remember the title or the author. Found it by chance through a conversation with an internet acquaintance. Have bought multiple copies. 

Valiente, Doreen: Witchcraft for Tomorrow

One of my first books about the Craft, and my favorite one in my early days. I'm not into that type of practice anymore, but it will always be a foundation of my work.

Living the Martial Way: Forrest Morgan

This was the guidebook of my warrior years. I'd highly recommend it for any martial artist. It gave me the clearest explanation I've heard, before or since, of what honor truly is and how to live honorably.

Morgan, Marlo: Mutant Message from Forever

Caveat: I have heard about this woman's lack of permission from the tribe to publish these books about their tribal wisdom and traditions. I heard about it long after I read it, and I was dismayed. I don't support this kind of cultural appropriation. But at the same time, this book really moved me. I absolutely love the idea of having a list of positive commandments, things we *should* do. I love the concept of "innertainment" and entertainment being intrinsic human abilities, rather than a gift that only some people
are given. 

Adams, Douglas: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Exploring the galaxy on only 30 Altarian Dollars a day, the meaning of life and a very tolerant view of different beings. This book, while a work of fantasy, has shaped my view of life. I re-read it regularly and always, always know where my towel is at.

Abbey, Edward: Desert Solitaire

The beauty of the desert, another journey into the self and a deep connection with nature. Are you sensing a theme yet? I hadn't really realized how many books I've read that touch on these themes. I'm an explorer. It's kind of my thing.

Pirsig, Robert: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

This book helped me articulate my commitment to quality (arete) as my highest philosophical ideal. It's a rich work from a modern day philosopher.

And so it goes. I could keep listing books and listing books. There are too many. Suffice it to say that I credit my good education to my personal studies far more than I do any formal education I've received. While I haven't so far been blessed with the resources to travel the world, I know a great deal about it and the people who live here. I like to think I know a little bit about the human condition, and how we developed as we did. Why? Books. 

I have few regrets in life. Divesting myself of my library when I moved out west is one of them. There are books that I still try to find on my shelves, that I sold 15 years ago. Some I know by sight, but can't remember the title or author. Even so, my collection has rebounded and expanded. And I admit, I look for bookshelves when entering the home of a new friend or lover. See you on the flip side...I've got to go do some reading in my hammock!

My Path

Wk 5- June 29 – Tell us a little bit about how you came to your current spiritual path and what has held your intention to remain on it.  

My father used to tell me to open my eyes and look around. I have so many memories of driving around with him; I remember the trips more clearly than the destinations. He would tell me to look and then to tell him what I saw. Animals, plants, spirit lights, it was all valid.

From my earliest memories, I saw. I noticed. I felt connected to everything, part of nature. My family was outdoorsy. We camped, went on nature hikes, collected wild foods and lived on a self-sustaining homestead. Outside, I encountered awe and wonder.

Now, my family was also Catholic, so I do have memories of church. I remember scratchy clothes and discomfort. Boredom. Droning voices that went on and on. Sitting, standing, kneeling in some incomprehensible rhythm.

But then my family split up. My mother gained primary custody. After that, I remember her telling me that if God was everywhere, then she didn't have to talk to Him in a building created by humanity. Translation: no more church.

It wasn't long before I started to learn about alternative views. Books were my first entry point. I remember having a book about fortune telling. If memory serves, it was an overview of different methods like palmistry, tea leaves, and Tarot. And surely, I began to practice.

Meanwhile, other early memories were of building fairy houses in the woods, creating potions from berries, leaves, roots and other such witchy activities. So far as I know, no one taught me to do this. Though thinking back, I suppose I did like 'I Dream of Jeannie' and 'Bewitched' on TV. I don't remember ever thinking that was how magic actually worked, or wanting to be like them.

I also remember when my mother decided I should enter some type of scouting organization. I took one look at the Indian Princesses and grew angry, though I didn't know why at the time. The Girl Scouts won out. This was ultimately unsatisfying for me - I hated selling cookies and my troop never did anything as cool as my parents.

We continued on, camping, hiking, sailing, and paddling. We joined the Raleigh Ski & Outing Club, which at the time was a pre-Meetup meetup group that went on fun adventures together. I was one of those kids that hung with adults as much as people my own age. I met a lot of interesting people in this club, and learned about yet more alternative ways of thinking, living and being. Always, experiences in nature are what brought me close to the Divine.

By age 8 or 9, I began to study religion. I wanted to understand the history I was being taught in school, and why so many of these religious wars had been fought. I didn't like what I found. There are good messages in the major world religions, it's true. Truth is present in all paths. But nothing felt like home to me. Nothing fit.

Somewhere in there, I found the catalogue of the Pyramid Collection. I don't remember how I found it, but back in those days it was much more Pagan. I ordered some books from their small selection, and suddenly I had found my path. Things started to happen quickly after that. I went off to middle school, met more of my kind of people, traded books with people, and then self-initiated.

From there, my path truly has been winding and crooked. I have explored in all sorts of directions. Nature, divination, crystals, healing, animal guides, and living in harmony with the Earth…these things are deeply woven into my path. I've learned from many a spiritual tradition, and I've been blessed to meet teachers from all over the world.

My adventures in Nature have always fed and furthered my spiritual path. Mountains, rivers and forests are sources of power to me. Backpacking allowed me to reach unspoiled places, places that feed my spirit, test my limits and put me face to face with the Divine.

What keeps me on my path at this point in my life is functionality. As I've discussed in some other blog posts, I've overcome some huge obstacles and tragedies. My spiritual path is why I'm alive and functional. My path keeps me happy, challenged and growing. 

Just like a trail through the mountains, my spiritual path is full of surprises, ordeals, blessings and beautiful views. I must admit that part of the reason why I keep going is to see what is around the next bend. I'm an inveterate explorer. Realizing now that it is 25 years since my first initiation. Here's to the next 25 years of awesome shamanic witchcraft yogini-ness!

Introspections About War

Last night I watched Lone Survivor, a film documenting the true story of a Navy Seal team in Afghanistan. This film has been critically acclaimed as a tale of heroism, of patriotism, of glory. And it makes me mad as Hades. Not because it's a bad film. No, I thought it was well and respectfully done.

It makes me angry because in 2015, after thousands of years of warfare, we still haven't learned. War is a needless waste of human life. War is not an effective way to solve our differences. War doesn't change minds, not in a large sense. Sure, individual soldiers are often changed by the experience - sometimes in a positive way, most times in a damaging way. But the cultures that clash don't come out with a greater respect for each other. No, hostility simply becomes more deeply entrenched.

It makes me sick to see the lives of the youth of this country wasted. Many young people from poor or simply rural backgrounds are targeted by military recruiters. They have few options in their lives. Many live in small towns whose main industry was shipped overseas. A tour in the military offers them a stable and decent career, or a ticket to college. They're sold this idea that they are making the world a better place, that they will become heroes, that what they are doing is noble.

Our service members are being sold a lie. Sure, there are times when we are forced to fight, like the World Wars. Goddess grant that those times never come again. But in these modern times, most of our conflicts are purely about politics. It is an ugly thing. What's worse, some of these wars are really about controlling resources.

I ask you - who benefits from all this? Is America "more free" because of the war in Afghanistan? No. The extremist factions who we allegedly were targeting have not gone away. Their resolve to destroy us has only strengthened. Mostly, we damaged the citizenry. Let us not forget that part of the problem in that particular country was of our own creation. The US trained and equipped Afghan soldiers to serve our purposes against the Soviets.

So. We go to war to serve the interests of politicians, many of whom are also involved with big oil and of course, military contractors. We lie and tell our youth they're saving the world, our youth who have no jobs available to them because American business owners shipped our industries overseas. We waste our precious resources on war, when we could be solving the many problems in our own country.

With every war, we go deeper into debt. We lose more and more of our credibility as a nation. Our actions as a nation say "We are bigger and richer than you. We will do whatever we like to you. We will destroy your cities, your homes, your people. We will even attempt to impose our culture and system of government on you. You cannot stop us."

With these pointless wars, we continue the notion that might makes right. That force is appropriate. That human life does not matter, especially those lives that are different from ours. That making money for oil companies and military contractors is more important than anything else.

I say no. There must be an end to the violence. There must be an end to the lies.

I spent many years walking the path of the warrior. I trained in every martial art to which I could gain access. I studied martial philosophy. I am proficient with a bewildering number of weapons. I even considered joining the military. It's hard for me to believe now that the only reason I did NOT join the military is that at that time, they did not allow women on the front line. Yes, I wanted to fight. I wanted to use my skills, to test my resolve, to exercise my sense of honor.

What I did not realize at the time was that my personal anger was behind all of this. I have written before about the tragedies and injustice that I suffered in my early life. I was angry. I was divorced from my emotions. For a time, I was even divorced from my sense of womanhood.

I also havehad a savior complex. It was as if saving others from suffering would someone expiate my own suffering, my own pain. This is actually not a terrible thing. The dark side of the savior complex for me was the unacknowledged wish to cause suffering to others to reduce my own suffering. It was never so bad that I wished harm to the innocent. No, I wanted to harm evildoers. I had no way to strike back at my own abusers, so the injustices of the world were my target.

Thankfully, Goddess knew better than I did. She knew that my sensitive, empathic soul would be scarred and besmirched by the horrors of war. She knew that I was not beyond help, not beyond healing.

I now know that the path of war leads only to death. It has no meaning. There is no nobility in this, no glory. It is pointless and wasteful. Surely, if my home and family were truly threatened, and there was no other option, I would fight. But nowadays, I would try everything else in my power to avoid it. And I would only have done what was necessary, not something good.

I am no longer a physical warrior. Now, my work is raising consciousness with words, with spirit, with love. I will not trouble you with another call for activism. No stirring rhetoric here about the return of Goddess, the reintegration of the feminine to heal the scars of patriarchy.

No. I'm simply a woman who is sad, a woman who is still angry, a woman who is tired of being angry.

I cry for all of the people who are infected with toxic ideas. They think that they have a monopoly on truth, that everyone else is wrong and it is their holy duty to correct others. They think their Gods want them to strike down the unbeliever.

I think that the Divine is unknowable. I think that the Divine is an energy that encompasses and permeates the entire Earth. And I think that force is love and creation. That force has nothing to do with war, with ideology, with domination or control.

If I'm wrong, and the Gods do exist as separate entities, and they really want us to suffer and harm others, then this is not a world I want to live in.