I have always been a wanderer, a gypsy, a seeker. Seeking truth, seeking meaning, seeking myself and seeking a place in the world...these things are a huge part of my spiritual path. I've written a bit about my tumultuous early life, but today, suffice it to say that one of the hardest parts of it was feeling as if I belonged anywhere. I was treated as a second class citizen, as "less than", as "other". My parents divorced, I moved to a different state, and later tragically lost our family homestead. So a home, or a place where I belong, hasn't existed for me for a long time. How long?
I wrote this poem sometime during middle school, so age 10-12:
Mirage
An unused road
beckons
offering shade and sweet water
almost
like a dream
seen from the dry and dusty reality
visions of a home
unattainable
As an adult, I have created homes for myself. Many of them. My friends in Colorado used to tease me about being a localized gypsy. Out there, I moved nearly every year. There was no practical reason why this had to be the case. I was reasonably well employed, and apartments were fairly plentiful at that time. I just...couldn't settle down. Couldn't commit. I was heavily in search mode at that time.
Along with finding a literal place where I belong, I have tried on many faces and many personas. Who am I? Earlier in my life, that answer would be different from day to day. Case in point: at one time, I had a gigantic hat collection. Have you ever considered how easy it is to change your identity through hats? It's a thing, trust me. Clothing is hugely symbolic in human culture, and hats are an integral part of that.
Searching for identity, I have tried many a pastime, many a sport, many a hobby. I'm still not truly into middle age, and already, I have been so many things: a dancer, artist, photographer, buddhist, witch, pagan, philosopher, writer, poet, clogger, flautist, drummer, healer, belly dancer, SCAdian (that's a medieval re-creationist), fencer, archer, martial artist, teacher, hiker, businesswoman, artisan, backpacker, kayaker, climber, mountain biker, knitter, gardener, visionary, priestess and more.
Now, I can say that I have claimed my place in the world. I know who I am. I accept and honor where I have been. I'm headed in a good direction. I know that I will continue to grow, change and evolve. I will continue to explore and try new things. I will always learn. I will continue to heal.
I am still sometimes surprised to learn that my place in the world is one of leadership. Then I remind myself that I am worthy, that I have something worthwhile to say, and that what I do matters to people.
The reasons that I had for this intensive learning and exploration were really quite simple. I had to find a way to survive and to cope with my lot in life. I attribute my fanatical drive to my history of survivorship and abuse. Helping others is my way of striking back at my abusers. I'm not interested in revenge; instead, I don't want anyone else to have to endure what I did. That's a pretty beautiful thing, in my book. Out of such deep pain, I have learned so many useful things. I have attained a pretty good level of personal peace.
These days, people meet me and say things like "are you *always* this calm" or "how are you this peaceful all the time". That makes me think I must be doing it right.
I am a priestess. I am a healer. I am a musician. I am an artist. I am one who walks between the worlds. Look for me in the liminal spaces. On a random Tuesday morning, you may see me in the woods. On a beautiful fall day, you may see me high on the mountain. In the summertime, you'll find me on the river, quietly paddling my boat. There is my place. This whole beautiful Earth is my home, and I can be anything I want to be. And so can you!
An unused road
beckons
offering shade and sweet water
almost
like a dream
seen from the dry and dusty reality
visions of a home
unattainable
As an adult, I have created homes for myself. Many of them. My friends in Colorado used to tease me about being a localized gypsy. Out there, I moved nearly every year. There was no practical reason why this had to be the case. I was reasonably well employed, and apartments were fairly plentiful at that time. I just...couldn't settle down. Couldn't commit. I was heavily in search mode at that time.
Along with finding a literal place where I belong, I have tried on many faces and many personas. Who am I? Earlier in my life, that answer would be different from day to day. Case in point: at one time, I had a gigantic hat collection. Have you ever considered how easy it is to change your identity through hats? It's a thing, trust me. Clothing is hugely symbolic in human culture, and hats are an integral part of that.
Searching for identity, I have tried many a pastime, many a sport, many a hobby. I'm still not truly into middle age, and already, I have been so many things: a dancer, artist, photographer, buddhist, witch, pagan, philosopher, writer, poet, clogger, flautist, drummer, healer, belly dancer, SCAdian (that's a medieval re-creationist), fencer, archer, martial artist, teacher, hiker, businesswoman, artisan, backpacker, kayaker, climber, mountain biker, knitter, gardener, visionary, priestess and more.
Now, I can say that I have claimed my place in the world. I know who I am. I accept and honor where I have been. I'm headed in a good direction. I know that I will continue to grow, change and evolve. I will continue to explore and try new things. I will always learn. I will continue to heal.
I am still sometimes surprised to learn that my place in the world is one of leadership. Then I remind myself that I am worthy, that I have something worthwhile to say, and that what I do matters to people.
The reasons that I had for this intensive learning and exploration were really quite simple. I had to find a way to survive and to cope with my lot in life. I attribute my fanatical drive to my history of survivorship and abuse. Helping others is my way of striking back at my abusers. I'm not interested in revenge; instead, I don't want anyone else to have to endure what I did. That's a pretty beautiful thing, in my book. Out of such deep pain, I have learned so many useful things. I have attained a pretty good level of personal peace.
These days, people meet me and say things like "are you *always* this calm" or "how are you this peaceful all the time". That makes me think I must be doing it right.
I am a priestess. I am a healer. I am a musician. I am an artist. I am one who walks between the worlds. Look for me in the liminal spaces. On a random Tuesday morning, you may see me in the woods. On a beautiful fall day, you may see me high on the mountain. In the summertime, you'll find me on the river, quietly paddling my boat. There is my place. This whole beautiful Earth is my home, and I can be anything I want to be. And so can you!
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