Post Ordination Fallout

Before my ordination, my colleagues told me that it's a life-changing process, and one that often involves huge life changes, meltdowns, crises, breakups, etc. After the ordination, I felt great on an emotional and spiritual level. I felt clearer, more committed, freer, different and yet more myself than ever. I thought that was all that would happen for me.

Alas no. It's happening to me right now. Currently, I'm unexpectedly single and homeless without enough income to support myself independently. I'm calling on the Gods for help. I'm leaning on the support of my community. I'm submitting resumes left and right. I'm putting out the call - I need a part-time job and a place to live (housesitting, roommate, etc).

It's terrifying. Never before have I been in so precarious a situation. I've worked so hard to build my new career in the last four years. I've worked equally hard to get more education to support that career. I've also worked just as hard at healing myself and putting my tumultuous, tragic past to rest. I simply can't throw away all that work and quit all my self-employment activities. That's a sacrifice I'm not currently willing to make. 

Of course, when it comes right down to it, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get my life back on track. I must believe, though, that this can manifest in a way that allows me to keep practicing massage, teaching and priestessing. To keep building my professional network and reputation. To keep manifesting the life of my dreams:

I dream of having a home with a lot of land. I dream of creating an intentional community, educational and healing center. I dream of that community producing as much of what we need to sustain our lives as we can. I dream of living a sustainable life in stewardship of our land. I dream of us supporting and sheltering artists, musicians and writers. I dream of sharing my gifts with people who visit our center - teaching, doing healing work, taking people on trips, hosting retreats, holding ceremonies, honoring the spirits of place, creating a sacred sanctuary and mystery school. I dream of traveling around the country and around the world teaching and inspiring others to reach THEIR own potential and manifest THEIR own dreams. 

I dream of having a supportive, positive, respectful and fun community around me. I dream of having healthy relationships (platonic, familial and romantic) with mutual sharing, supporting, loving and growing. I dream of one day waking up to know that I am well and truly SAFE and HOME. To feel that I belong somewhere, to feel that I am doing my true work, to feel that what I do matters.

Truly, I have some of these things already. I have met many wonderful people who make my life a richer, more beautiful experience. All of my current work is my true work. 

But not everything is wine and roses for me, just like everyone else. Some awful things from my past are still a problem. My awesome career still isn't profitable yet. This last romantic relationship will take some time to process and recover from. I have no home.

In 2010, I sacrificed my material security on the altar of personal need and desire. I simply could not see the way out of a life that no longer fit me. I had spent several years trying to decide what I wanted, how to change, what to do…to no avail. I quit my corporate job, packed my truck full of backpacking gear and put the rest of my possessions in storage. I drove across the country, leaving my beloved Colorado behind. I returned to North Carolina, greeted friends and family, then embarked on a literal walkabout on the Appalachian Trail.

Two months later, my knees gave out. I returned to Raleigh to do some physical therapy. I did that, but I never did get back on the trail. I ended up staying here to go to school and re-launch my career as an entrepreneur. Along the way, massive amounts of unplanned but vitally necessary self-healing occurred. It's been messy, difficult, awesome and a wild adventure.

Right now, there's only a few things that I know for certain:

1. I have worked too hard to make this life change to give up on my dreams.
2. I will only expend my energy on people who treat me with courtesy and respect.
3. The Universe is supporting me in this change.
4. Every day, I take steps to get my life in order.

Blessings, positive energy, gifts of light, monetary donations and any other type of support appreciated. Posts will be minimal while I get through this transition. Your support and understanding mean the world to me!

Ordination Report

I've been struggling with what to say about last week's initiation and ordination. Like many practitioners, I don't like to speak too much of magical work. But I also feel compelled to talk about this pivotal experience. So here we go!

My fast didn't go well at all. Kitchari did not give me enough energy to get through the day, and the whole thing fell apart. It seems that a week-long fast is not in the cards for me these days, unless that fast includes animal protein at lunchtime. I can get away with eggs and vegetables for breakfast, but a full day of massage means a full lunch or I melt down. I also ended up eating red meat for dinner - probably because I hadn't gotten enough calories and protein earlier in the day. After some soul searching, I decided to simply accept the demands of my body. Instead of restricting what I ate so rigidly, I focused on eating mindfully. I blessed each meal and took time to honor the Divine and feel gratitude.

I didn't have time to make a new ritual robe. I probably could have done it if I had a sewing machine at home, but going to a friend's house to work just didn't fit into the ol' calendar. Instead, I ended up with the perfect set of vestments for me, in typically synchronistic fashion.

A while ago, a friend of mine from India gave me a white kurta, which is a knee length cotton tunic with lovely white embroidery around the neckline. I've never worn it. It hung in my closet awaiting some special occasion. Meanwhile, back in yoga teacher training, we talked about clothing to wear while teaching. In the Yoga tradition, all white was the traditional color to wear.  My teachers and colleagues said they thought I ought to do it; that it would look good on me, etc.

That was nearly a year ago, and I've been searching for white yoga clothes ever since. It's a little tricky for me, being busty and swarthy as I am. Hello, mediterranean heritage! So far, I have found a white sports bra and a white camisole. I never really thought of wearing the kurta with it. In my head, I was looking for "some kind of white overshirt", but I never connected the dots to what was already in my closet.

As I prepared for this initiation, I thought of wearing a white robe. At some point, it occurred to me: why not wear a white yoga-style outfit? I could wear my kurta! So I did. I found some random knit capri pants, which I didn't really like, but got me through the night. I put on my white sports bra, the camisole and the kurta.

It felt right. Yoga is a big part of my spirituality, though I don't often think of it that way. But for me, it truly is the foundation of my practice. It's been a presence throughout my entire life, and it's how I was introduced to mindfulness, meditation, self-awareness and so many other things. In a way, it's like air. You never think about it, but you are breathing it all the time. This was a lovely way to honor that part of my life, and I feel very comfortable in those clothes to boot.

The day of my initiation was somewhat of a disaster. I took the entire day off, put my email on auto-respond and my phone on vibrate. It was supposed to be this restful, meditative day. Instead, every single thing was a trial. I had to run errands in the morning. I forgot a doctor's appointment and had to go over there in a hurry. I didn't get home until noon, and then I remembered I was supposed to be at a massage appointment at 4! And the cupcakes still needed to be baked! And what about my ritual bath?! Aaaaagghhhhh!!!

The ritual bath turned into a shower with chanting. The cupcakes got packed up and put in the truck unfrosted. I scrambled up to my massage and that too was a trial, but I soldiered on. Luckily, my best friend let me come over and use his kitchen to frost the cupcakes. This was a blessing in disguise as I then got hugs and congratulations from this very important person in my life.

Finally I got there and my High Priestess gave me this look. She knew exactly what was going on. I smiled and told her that I got a lesson in priestesshood: we have to do it in the midst of everyday chaos. She just nodded, full of understanding.

The ritual was lovely. My HP surprised me by including references to my shamanic journey in addition to my journey as a witch. I was truly overwhelmed by the love and support in the room. I feel so blessed to have found these women. They show me what love and support is supposed to feel like and I am so grateful.

My ordination with the Universal Life Church was much more prosaic: just a matter of a few mouse clicks. Now, the ULC doesn't necessarily have the best reputation. They will take anyone, and they do not require any type of training. Literally anyone over 13 can become a minister in their church.

But for someone like me, it's perfect. I have been studying for this all my life. I don't need further training to call myself a priestess. The ULC is interfaith - and my public work right at this moment is interfaith. The UFC also expressly does not require one to "kiss the ring", as it were. I don't do authoritarian structures well. A benevolent, accepting umbrella organization? Yes, thank you!

It also turns out that the ULC was started right here in NC, by a Christian minister who believed in religious freedom including freedom FROM religion. I love these words from their mission:

"We further proclaim that "We are all Children of the same Universe" and as such we each have a right to be here. Thus said, that is the way that your God and Mother Nature planned it."

Now that's something I can get behind.

So now it's a week later. The dust is beginning to settle. I've made my announcement about the event to friends and clients. Folks have teasingly called me "Reverend Tanaria". This amuses me. I will call myself an Ordained Priestess. I don't have a ministry, I have a priestessry. Sure it's weird, but so what? So am I!

In service to the Gods, I continue to serve all seekers who come to me with honest yearning for truth in their hearts, no matter what their path. Truly, this has always been my path. Now it's official.

Blessed be!

Initiation & Ordination Countdown

A little over a week from now, I will go through a second degree initiation and a legal ordination. I've been preparing for months, and it has been a very interesting ride.

One personal learning I can share is that for some reason, part of my path is to minister to interfaith and Christian populations. It's tied together with my healing work, in some cases. People come to me and find that I can help them, even though they don't know why or can't explain it with science.

Aside from the healing work, many patients feel safe enough to ask for what can only be described as spiritual counseling. This has happened throughout my life. I'm an empath. People somehow know this, trust me with their secrets and ask for help. I have to wonder about my super conservative Christian clients. Surely they must sense that I'm "different" in some way. Many times, I even wear a pentagram to work. Yet they are not threatened by me and appear to truly value my viewpoint.

This mystifies me.

I'm happy about it, of course. I feel a certain sense of pride and satisfaction about my ability to reach people regardless of their faith. I fervently believe that the way forward for humanity is to acknowledge the validity of all faiths. To focus on our similarities instead of our differences. To come together, rather than continue to be driven apart by belief.

But as a shamanistic witch, this isn't how I envisioned my "ministry". I don't even like to use that word, yet "priestessry" doesn't sound right. I thought I would start a coven and have magical adventures. So far, my compatriots have not yet found me. But such is the spiritual life, eh? We have ideas, but things don't always manifest the way we imagine.

My interfaith Meetup group, South Wake Spiritual Community, is my focus at the moment. We have a core of lovely people who have loyally supported nearly every event. For that, I am eternally grateful. But growth is slow. We just hit our six month anniversary, and we still have less than 50 members. It still doesn't feel like a community to me.

All of which shows that I'm still finding my way as a spiritual leader. I'm okay with that. I have faith that it will manifest in the best way possible for all involved. I'm taking steps each day. I take care of myself and tend my own spiritual practice. I continue to learn. I'm open to opportunity.

Meanwhile, I prepare for the event itself. Along with the ritual, I will be changing my legal name. I'm waiting on one last background report so that I can file the petition with the court. The ring that will symbolize this event has arrived. My ritual tools are all in order. The ritual itself is on its way to completion.

Today I've embarked upon a ritual fast. Due to the nature of my work and body, it's more of a healthy foods week rather than an actual fast. My body can't function without animal protein, and certainly not without solid food. I have done the Master Cleanse and other cleanses/fasts before, but it only works if I lay around. I can't be very active, and the last time I tried it (2010-2011), I didn't make it a whole week before I started to feel dangerously ill and weak. I've learned from my experiences, and combined with my Yogic knowledge, I've come up with a plan.

So here is what my week's "fast" looks like:

• Egg/kale/carrot bake for breakfast
• Kitchari for lunch (Ayurvedic healing dish for all body constitutions)
• Chicken or fish for dinner with plenty of veggies
• Lots of water
• Tea - dandelion or turmeric (intent to detox and tone organs)

Avoiding:

• Sugar
• Caffeine
• Alcohol
• Dairy
• Red meat
• Pork
• Processed foods

The only other preparation I am considering is attire. I'd like to have some new ritual garb to wear. This weekend I spent some time thinking about my preferences and trying to decide. In fact, I may write a whole post about ritual and magical attire. So far, the idea of a zip/snap front white ritual robe with hood and half sleeves is winning out. It doesn't sound that exciting, but it also sounds like the right thing.

It's almost here, it's almost here!

The Goddess and God are Calling

Yesterday I finished making some pagan prayer beads, a Witches Rosary, if you will. This project has been on my mind for months, and it took me quite a while to find all the pieces, especially the centerpiece and the particular natural gemstone beads that I wanted. At last, they were complete and as I was admiring them, my partner mentioned that I seemed pretty obsessed.

Not in the least, I replied, merely incredulous and a bit amused. For who could have foreseen that a second generation Italian-American born of Catholics on both sides of the family tree would one day create such a thing?

It reminded me of my grandmother, Goddess bless her soul. She would be rolling in her grave if she knew, I told my partner. She was very religious, perhaps the most so in our family. The rest of us stopped going to church when I was 5 or 6.

My partner replied that *I* am very religious.

It seemed a revelation at the time, though thinking about it after the fact, this should have been no surprise.

I have always been interested in things spiritual. From a very early age, perhaps as young as 8, I read about world religions and the occult. Over the next few years, I researched each major spiritual tradition in turn. I even gave my native Catholicism a try. My mother dutifully drove me to church for a few months. I went to Mass on Sundays, and I gave their youth group a go. It was not for me. By age 12, I was certain that it was the Goddess and God who called me. I was initiated at 13.

But even then, my search continued. Most of my life has been about searching. Looking for truth, searching for meaning, groping toward wholeness.

In recent years, I finally found a welcoming community. I joined a coven, and that experience has been amazing. I cried a lot at first. Acceptance is not something I have experienced a lot of in my life. Support, even less so.

Having that foundation of community and loose structure has helped me to truly own my power. To become the person that I have always known myself to be in more than just thought. To bring my power into the open. To take action.

So I have done. For I hear the Goddess and God calling, and I know that They are not to be denied.

The next chapter will include becoming ordained. Any advice or input on organizations who provide Earth-based ordinations is most welcome. I'd love to hear your experiences - how did you become ordained, and how has that impacted your life?